I really thought that 2015 would be a better year for us but alas it has not been!

We have lost loved ones this year – two deaths at the beginning of the year. There have lots of births too this year – which is so great for those blessed but a little hard to cope with for me.

We have also had two miscarriages in the latter part of the year…..one in July at 6 weeks and the one in November (last week) at 8 weeks. I feel so sad and scared. Scared that I will never get my rainbow and that even if we do get pregnant my excitement will be lessened because of all of this.

The silverlining in this is, after four miscarriages, the docs have finally started tests to see what’s going on and aren’t just fobbing me off with it being my thyroid levels. I had a scan this week to make sure nothing was left over and to check the PCOS and uterus to make sure there aren’t fibroids etc. Luckily, it was fairly clear and the PCOS has been down graded to “mild” which is good news.

The next step is probably another series of blood tests etc and just keep trying.

We are off next week and going away for four nights, which I’m really looking forward to. We need the break and need to just be us.

I will try not to make this a depressing blog! Two years ago today, we had our first ever bfp. We were excited and scared because of a miscarriage we’d previously had (never got an official bfp for that pregnancy). The overriding emotion, however, was joy. It had taken me two weeks since missing my period to test, because I just figured it was one of those cycles. If only I known the joy would only last until the 13th of June, when our miscarriage was confirmed. 

Here I am sat two years later still no baby or pregnancy and my body decides today is the day my period will arrive (being two weeks late!) my body likes to taunt me and play really mean tricks on me.

I’ve booked two weeks off work which will start the Monday after the anniversary of the miscarriage. I’m finding work hard from an infertile perspective and just need to be away from it for a bit.

Two friends and a team mate are pregnant, I’m so happy for them, but it’s breaking my heart to see them bloom knowing there is a real possibility I won’t ever get to experience that.

Whenever I think about not having a baby I have a panic attack. I love my husband but I don’t know whether I could survive not being able to give him a family. I feel like I’m letting him down.

My stepson got married recently – he’s finally starting to grow up which is great. I’m terrified though of the day they tell us they are having a baby and I get to be a step granny!

My brothers second child is due in June – his second since we have been trying!

My friend recently lost her baby, she’d been trying for three years. It’s heartbreaking! 

No matter what anyone tells you time doesn’t always heal – I’ve just had another two years of infertility and disappointment! I have 6.5 years until I’m 40 and will probably have to give up. Every year I get older reduces my chance of conceiving and having a healthy baby.

Anyway in better news we have bought bikes to help get fit and lose some weight! 

My focus for the year is going well so far.

I lost 3lbs last week! I wasn’t hugely strict with the diet either.
I nailed reverse around the corner on my driving lesson
I am getting healthy by taking my meds!

The downside……the side effects of metformin. The same happened last time I started taking metformin too. Gastrointestinal side effects are “very common” according to the leaflet. Had bad diarrhoea last night and today am off work with that and vomiting! Yuck! Metformin has horrible side effects! So I’m snuggled up on the sofa watching crappy made for TVS movies and feeling rotten!

The upside…..the side effects help with the weight loss! Lol

I had an interesting doctors appointment today. Had to go to the diabetic clinic, so saw the nurse and then the doctor.

It wasn’t a great doctors appointment medically but I walked away feeling hopeful that the GP was listening and doing something.

So my diabetes is not doing well. I have protein in my urine, which he said was not a good sign as it could be indicative that my kidneys are being damaged. So I have to go back on metformin. He believes my last GP wasn’t managing my diabetes properly. He also spent some time explaining diabetes etc to me which no one has done before.

My thyroid test had come back borderline and the other GP said I need tests in 3 months to check again. He said today based on my previous high levels (which my old GP never told me about) he was confident to diagnose me with a hypothyroidism and has put me on medication.

My cholesterol is also high and so he’s put me on a statin for that.

I am also on blood pressure tablets! So I will literally rattle when I walk.

He believes my TTC issues are related to all of the above, and said once everything is under control, he won’t be surprised if I get pregnant! His last words as I left were “start taking the medications and let those spermies meet the eggy!”

Si normally comes into the appointments but didn’t today as we just thought it was a review so he felt upset and guilty that this all got thrown at me when I was alone! Bless him! He was more upset that it seems all these things are pre existing and the old doctors practice didn’t give me the treatment needed, which may have meant it’s taken us so long to get pregnant!

I am scared because of all the medical things wrong with me but pleased that I am getting treatments to help. Hopefully it means this is the year we will get our sticky bean.

Happy New year to you all.

As we approach 2015, I am reflecting on 2014, it hasn’t been my worst year, but it hasn’t been the best either.

We had a fab holiday with my in laws, I lost 2 stone, I did well in my new role at work, I got to spend lots of time with my hubby and good friends. .

Downside: it was the year anniversary of our most recent loss. Our baby would have been one around now. My body decided it wanted to pretend it was pregnant. I’m another year on and still don’t have a bfp or baby bump. We lost loved ones. I lost touch with someone who was meant to be my best friend

My focus for next year: I have decided to shift my focus from wanting a baby to making my self healthier mentally and physically. 5 years trying has been tough. Don’t get me wrong we will still continue to try but I am going to try to focus on it less and focus more on me and hubby.

* I want to lose more weight – my goal is four stone
* I want to get fit – will start swimming again
* I want to get out with my hubby more, walking, seeing friends etc.
* I will pass my driving test
* I want to change jobs and work for a different company

I wonder what my review of 2015 will be like!

I wish you and your family an amazing 2015

Christmas time is meant to be for kids right? Yep that is what society says. It means that it is one of the hardest seasons for infertiles. Infertility has many kick you in the guts, break your heart moments but Christmas is one of the worst.

There are many techniques to adopt during the season, from getting absolutely hammered to hiding away and hibernating until it is all over.

This year I can do neither. We are spending the day at my dad’s, with brother, pregnant SIL and my 18 month old nephew. I love my family and can’t wait to spend time with them but at the same time it’s going to be sad time for me and OH.

As you know we are waiting for results of an hcg blood test from the doctors, so I won’t be drinking, just in case! The last two days, however I have had red spotting so I’m fairly prepared for it to be negative.

My lovely husband and I had a frank conversation about the baby topic. He is now fully understands how I feel, which is good. He’s my best friend but he can be a pain in the arse sometimes.

Happy Christmas to you all!

Hubby and I take it in turns to spend Christmas Day with his family or mine. This year we are with mine. It’s my siblings, their partners and kids and my dad. We buy the Turkey from the butchers because the rest don’t have much money. Everyone else contributes something to the meal, except my sister. She’s a real scrounger.

I get a text from brothers girlfriend tonight because my sister has invited two of her oddball mates to Christmas. She still won’t contribute anything, neither will they yet they will all eat of food etc.

My brother is livid. So is hubby. They both don’t understand whilst we have to have two of her friends there (who both have families of their own…..they won’t be alone at Christmas). My sister will be a total nightmare as well…..she’s annoying at the best of times but will be in total show off mood.

My SIL wanted this Christmas as a lovely family one as my nephew is nearly 2 and understands a bit more….now we will have two strangers at the table!

I will either be celebrating at Christmas or commiserating, depending how today’s blood tests go! Also end of December beginning of January, will mark when our baby would have been a year old!

Blood tests tomorrow but had some very slight spotting the last couple of days, but only in the morning after BM. Today it’s lasted on and off all day. CP still super high.

The spotting coincides with starting to take the BP meds. However, I’m preparing for the blood tests being negative and AF starting!

If AF does show at least it’s an answer.

Blood tests results will probably take a week to come back. Good thing is he’s testing a whole host of things including my thyroid.

So finally went to GP, who said based on the symptoms of breast growth and changes he thought I was pregnant. We mentioned the faint lines, but also the negatives. Not mentioning any other symptoms though as he only seemed interested in breast changes.

He decided to do a urine test, which we told him would probably be a waste of time. Apparently, it’s fairly common for PCOS sufferers to not metabolise HCG into their urine.

He did find my BP was really quite high, not surprising really because I basically had a panic attack on getting to the docs, and he was running 20 mins late. The last time I went to see a doc I started miscarrying in the waiting room, the docs were arseholes and it was a horrific situation.

I spent the entire week stressing that because of the high BP even if I am pregnant I am going to lose it or end up with pre-eclampsia!

Went back on Friday, and as predicted the urine test was negative. I’ve heard of so many women who were pregnant and got negative on the GP tests (including a doctor telling me she got negatives even when she knew she was pregnant!) anyhow, he is now doing blood tests, which are booked in for the 8th, then I obviously have to wait to get the results, so it will be Xmas before we know anything and I could be 4 months pregnant!

My BP was still high, although lower than it was, so he’s given me BP tablets, which are safe to take in pregnancy. We’ve bought a BP monitor, so hopefully that will bring it down as I get used to having my BP done.

I am so happy for my girls who are pregnant, so no feeling guilty or thinking I’m having a go but I just want to experience it all and for it to be easy! This journeys been awful so finding out we’re pregnant should be easy right?!

If I’m not pregnant then fine! But there must be something wrong for me to have no period since August, when my cycles have been pretty regular for three years (with a few blips). Also I just want to get on with trying, otherwise I’m going to have to start facing facts I will never have a baby! I’m 33 now, time will start running out!

My brother and his girlfriend are pregnant again! If we are pregnant we are due around the same time! Depending how this goes I might just move to the outer Hebrides! Lol